| Thursday, January 17th, 2002 |
| 7:13 pm |
Help!!!
I would very much like to create a new lj, one where it doesn't feel watched and violated by people I know. So if anyone would care to help my cause, please step forth and icq me @ 35680169. Thanks!! |
| Thursday, December 13th, 2001 |
| 6:01 pm |
I was right. Sarah put a password on her journal so I can't read it. Whatever, I guess. My last few days on lj are now numbered. I'll find somewhere else to go. Perhaps back to my wonderful book a little bit more. Or somewhere else in cyberspace. I dunno. I don't really care either. *waves goodbye* |
| Tuesday, December 11th, 2001 |
| 8:02 pm |
I get to go to Nanimo this weekend. I'm so excited!!! I need to get away from the humdrum boring toll of life. Or I just need a brief change of scenery. Better yet, I need to see Heather. I can't wait till Friday!!! |
| 6:29 pm |
Round Two.
Time to try a new drug. Paxil didn't work and made me more paranoid than I already am. On to Effexor. I hope it works better. I went christams shopping with my Dad today. He needed help finding stuff for my mom. Well, I helped him fine, but now I have no idea what to get her. Oh well, too early for me to start shopping anyways. Ate a sandwich while I was out with my dad. I'm kind of hungry, but I don't think I will eat. I don't want to clean any dishes. |
| Monday, December 10th, 2001 |
| 11:21 pm |
I'm lame. I need help. But I don't know how to ask for it. Better put, I don't think I deserve it. I hate sounding like a dumbfuck depressed teenager. I sound ridiculous. Yet I can't stop. I accidently found Sarah's new journal. I guess now that I confessed to that she'll move it. Whatever, with luck I'll cease to exist soon. She wrote about all the people that are important to her. I wasn't mentioned. Not once. Well, once. In that, it showed that she doesn't even know me. She thinks I forget about stuff. I handle everything fine. Gawd, I thought she knew me at least a bit better than that. I also learned that her bf of what? a week knows more than I ever did. That hurts too. But not as much as knowing I'm not important. I mean, I know I'm not, but she told me I was. That I was for a while. Apparently not. Never was. She was just putting up with me. Still is. Or better yet, trying to foget I exist. I wish I could forget I exist. But I don't have that luxury. I'm stuck with the pathetic excuse that is me. Oh well. Just remind yourself Jen, you get what you deserve. Now go lose more weight, you're fat. |
| 11:10 pm |
Fuck.
I'm starting to slip into weird obsessive compulsive behavior again. Train lots, eat little. Must be fit. Must be thin. If I'm thin, someone MIGHT like me. Or at least like looking at me. Need to be at least something. Train, work, train, sleep. Force food down. No!!! I already ate too much today. I had a footlong sub. Want food. NO!!! Must lose wieght. Must make varsity crew. Not training enough. Train more. Maybe 5 hours a day? No motivation. Shit. Lose weight. Want love. Need love. Push away love. No love to be had. NOt here. Wasn't made for me. Want to be content. Not for me. Want death. Death probably worse than life. Want away from here. Eternal sleep. The answer to all my problems. Sleep forever. But my sleep is so broken and haunted. Torment self. Hurt self. Stop interaction with others. DO NOT hurt others anymore. Do not speak to others as friends. Keep distance. Work with people, apply mask, be happy. Appear happy. Make others happy. Wish for nothing yourself, you deserve nothing. Be thankful for good job and home. Quit demanding more. Die alone. |
| 1:04 am |
Humans must be the most cursed species to ever walk this earth. Emotions suck. |
| Sunday, December 9th, 2001 |
| 11:31 pm |
What do you do when you just can't tolerate yourself anymore? |
| 11:11 pm |
Oops.
Why do I give a fuck? Why do I care what Sarah does? We're so far from even being friends now. Why do I care? Why am I such a pathetic loser? |
| 10:48 pm |
Ugh.
I wrote here last night, but apparently it didn't work. Shit. Oh well. Not that anyone really gives a shit or wants to know how weak and pathetic I am. I broke down last night. I practically cried as I left my own home to go stay at my parents. I couldn't handle people being over here and having such a great time, and exerting so much energy so as not to have to talk to me. Ihate feeling like such an inconvenince. I hate being hated. Yet, I hate me. I'm a hypocrite. I still don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to be me. I've never felt as alone as I have felt in the last 2 days. Not sure why. Just do. Well, maybe I do know why. I figured out why the whole Sarah situation bothers me. It's because I've always longed to be important to someone, anyone. And I was, even if it was just for a brief moment. Then I suffocated her. Or she finally figured out how horrid I am. I don't know. But in the end, I fucked up again, just be being.....me. Wow, what I would do to be an atheist right now. Believe nothing existed after death. I could end it all then. But I don't believe my next life would [or will] be any better than this. I mean, karma doesn't fuck up right? I get what I deserve. I bring upon myself all the feelings I have. Look at me for fuck's sake. Here I am looking for solace in what, a plastic box? And if not here, then I write in a book. For what? I have to work for better things. Not just wish they were here. I'm so fucking down and caught up on myself I can hardly summon the energy in me to be hapy for others. How pathetically self centered. Why do I feel so utterly alone in this god forbidden world? |
| Saturday, December 8th, 2001 |
| 9:11 pm |
I want to go. Anywhere but here. Away from here. So i don't feel like a total loser and loner in my own home. |
| 8:47 pm |
Merr
I hate it when I succemb to my weaknesses and feel like shit. Lonely especially. I think it might be one of the most horrid feelings out there. Feeling unwanted, uncared for, just unloved. I don't mean in that fake way either. I mean in someone I talk to daily. That cares how my day went. That sits around and watches movies with me. That understands my morbid and dry sense of humour. That I don't feel I have to explain myself to. Or prove myself to. Fuck, what the hell am I talking about? I'm a moron. What fantasy planet am I from anyways? |
| 8:07 pm |
Ding ding ding
Last night was round three of the christmas parties. I survived quite fine though, which was good. I had fun. I watched my superiors get completely smashed. I managed to stay away from people trying to get me to drink too much. Even avoided the bong later in the night. Go me. But I had a good time. I like the people I work with at Percy Norman. I think based on that fact alone, I'll keep working there. |
| 1:17 am |
Alone.
I don't think I've ever felt as alone as I do at this precise moment. I'm not exactly sure why. I fled my house tonihgt, fighting back tears for I could no longer handle being treated like a disease no one wanted around by people who used to greet me so willingly. I hate my life. I want it gone. I want to feel nothing for this pain of being so unwanted is unbearable. I just want someone to really give an honest shit about me. I want to give a shit about me. I really don't know how much longer I can sustain the masks which are such a required part of my life. I don't want to wake up in the morning. |
| Saturday, December 1st, 2001 |
| 11:35 pm |
Last Night
It was my rowing christmas party. I was tanked, and I didn't really want to be. I was a drunken flirt, which is unusual for me. But it was all like a huge joke to me, too bad no one else was in on it. Oh well, I left and went home on the last beeline. Bailed walking home drunk in a skirt. Have the scrapes to prove it, especially the beautiful one on my chin. I can be such a dumbfuck. Oh well. Got home, passed out on the couch. Woke up at 6am to hear pounding jungle coming from my roommates room. Great. Tried to drown it out with my music, but bass doesn't get drowned out. Grrrrrrr. Fucking hell. I went to a potluck tonight at work, with an inservice. I ate far too much and turned down free alcohol. Go me. I think I forgot to take my lil pink pill today, but I'm not sure. Tough shit. Anyways, I'm going to go clean my room. |
| Wednesday, November 28th, 2001 |
| 10:48 pm |
Freaky People
Matt and I went out for dinner and gelato. It was really good to see him. But I bought dinner from Deserts and then we walked up to Subway for him. En route, a woman approached me with a flyer in her hand. All I saw was it had a heart on it, and she was asking for something. I shook my head and kept walking. As I walked away she grabbed me behind my arm and pinched me hard and gave me an evil glare. WTF??!!?!?! That's NOT the way to get money from me. Fuck, no wonder I've become cold hearted to these people. Get a fucking job. |
| Tuesday, November 27th, 2001 |
| 12:06 am |
Wondering
I realized that although I feel really quite hurt on a regular basis, I never cry. Trust me, I've wanted to. But I'm completely incapable of it. I spend a lot of time in my room, which probably looks bad, where I walk in and lay there for at least an hour not moving. Funny thing is, the only reason I move is because I realize I've cut off circulation in some body part for the past 45 minutes and it starts to aggravate me. So I move. I usually get food, just so I have an excuse to exit my room and return. I would really like out of my life now. |
| Monday, November 26th, 2001 |
| 11:52 pm |
Why?
Why do I let others validate or invalidate how I feel? Why do I feel so shitty? Why do I feel so taken for granted by the one person I want to realize I've put myself on the line for them? Why is that one person's opinion of me so important? Yet not? I don't fucking understand a thing. On another, more positive note, I found myself thinking about death again. As in who would be at my funeral. As in who would truly miss me. If anyone. When I say miss, I mean have their lives severly altered due to the loss of me. Just thoughts. |
| 11:47 pm |
For Fuck's Sake...
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| Saturday, November 24th, 2001 |
| 7:54 pm |
Jib is evil. Very evil. It stole me for a while. Do i have to watch it steal a friend? |
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